When entering motherhood, they automatically tell you of the many ups and downs you will face with your child, but sometimes they neglect the ups and downs you will face within.
After having Grayson I went into full mommy mode. All of my focus was on my new baby boy and making sure his transition into this new world went perfectly. In doing so someway somehow, I lost myself along the way. Some days I was searching for me. Sounds crazy to others I’m sure, but I ultimately lost Imani. My new identity was HisMom and Imani was far gone. Before Grayson, I was dynamic, vibrant, and beautiful. By the time he was 4 months, I no longer felt that way. I began to look for validation about my appearance and looks in all the wrongs places. Doing things I thought were liberating looking back I now realize it was degrading. This went on for months and then months turned into a year, and I was hurting. I was lost, but still putting on my mommy cape and mask everyday for my little king. Problem was I was so lost and confused, I didn't know what exactly was wrong with me; until a great person in my life recommended therapy.
That's when I discovered that I was experiencing depression. I took that term and believed that it meant I didn’t love my son. But in my case, I loved my son so much that I stopped loving me. When I stopped loving me I gained toxic behaviors to receive some type of attention and to feel good about myself. But no more of that, I am taking a new step in life! Gaining my self-esteem back and getting back to me !
I’m 100% sure that I’m not the only mother that has experienced this, and I’m sharing my story for the first time to others. It’s okay to take care of yourself and be an individual outside of motherhood. Being a mother is a full time job, but you can’t do your job if you aren’t mentally, emotionally, and physically well. Take that extra step ladies ! We’re in this together!
Please reach out to me if you share some similar stories that you would like to share to help out someone in our village. We need your voice too!